The Rev. Rob Merola

This morning we’re starting a brand new sermon series on building stronger families.  

We’ve designed this to be a high challenge, high stake sermon series in which we look closely at both the relational choices we are making and the consequences of them.  Where we are doing things right,  we hope this series will encourage, inspire and strengthen you to hold the course in what has been called “the age of breakup, with so many of the ties that held us together loosening and fraying.”   And where we are doing things wrong, where it is our relationships that are breaking up, and our bonds with those we love that are loosening and fraying, we hope this series will give us the tools we need to craft and pursue a better course ahead. 

Because this series is so important, I hope you’ll be here every week for the next five weeks.   And because the issue’s we’ll be addressing are so common, I’d suggest it might also be a great time to bring  a friend. 

So let’s dive right in, shall we?

You’ve probably noticed that I have a small fire burning here.   I also have a bucket of water, and a can of gasoline.  What happens if I throw either of these on the flame before us?

If I throw the gasoline upon it—whoosh!—the flame gets bigger, brighter, hotter, doesn’t it?  (Kid’s, don’t try this at home.)

If I throw water upon it, the fire goes out.

It is much the same in our families.  Every single one of us is part of one.  We are parents or children, aunts or uncles or grandparents, siblings our spouses, or maybe even all the above.  And, of course, we are all part of a church family. 

What is more, every single one of us contributes to our families—and our church family-- in ways that makes them burn brighter, bigger, hotter with love for God, one another, and our world.   Or we contribute to our families in a way that puts out those flames and holds one another back.

When I read this morning’s Gospel, I see Mary choosing to add high octane fuel to Jesus’ desire to serve God   and help people.  She fans the flame of love she sees in her son, encouraging him to step out and come to the aid of people in a tough situation. 

It was a tough situation because the newlyweds were most likely poor and so simply could not afford enough wine.  This was not a small thing.    What was meant to be an occasion of great joy would now become an occasion of great shame.    It would be an occasion for people to look down on the newlyweds as somehow deficient or even cursed.  Given people’s natural tendency to  pursue social networks that are somehow beneficial to them while neglecting and even shunning those that are not, this would confirm the young couple’s standing in the latter category and stack the odds against them in the future.

This means that when Mary asks Jesus to do something, she’s not trying to get Jesus to help people throw a better party.  She’s encouraging him to see the world from somebody else’s eyes; to feel their pain as his own.  She’s encouraging him to care about the poor.  She’s encouraging him to do what he can to help.

This raises a question for us, doesn’t it?  How are we teaching our kids to care?  How are we encouraging one another to be more compassionate and look out for the needs of those around us?  All of us have a cup of water and a can of gasoline.  How are we causing the flames of love and compassion to burn bigger, brighter, and hotter in our homes and in our church?

Let me suggest three ways we do this.  

First, we need to realize that teaching kids to care, and challenging one another to care in our church family, is not a hands off deal.   If the spark of love and compassion in us is going to burst in flame, it is only going to be because those around us have tended, nurtured and protected that flame until it is burning bright within us.

That’s why Mary is actively involved in shaping Jesus’ life and actions.  For whatever reason, in this situation he doesn’t seem to be inclined to help.  Probably that’s not too hard to understand:  he is a young man at a party with his friends, and he’s looking forward to enjoying it.  There is nothing wrong with that; he’s been a hard working carpenter to this point, and he could surely use a chance to kick back and enjoy a nice glass of wine with his buddies.  Who could begrudge him that?

It may also be that Jesus knows that once this thing starts… once he does that first public miracle…once he squarely kicks in the teeth the powers of darkness in this world that produce situations of need and shame and anxiety and sorrow like this one, it’s going to start something in motion that will not stop until in short order he is hanging on a cross.  Can we blame him for being hesitant?

Nor do I think Mary was unaware of these things.    I think she probably understood what she was asking her son to do better than anybody.   But I also think she understood the stakes, understood how important this is.

“Help them,” she says to Jesus.  “No,” is Jesus’ basic reply. But Mary doesn’t listen to Jesus.  Looking at the people around them, she goes on to say, “Do whatever he asks.”  She doesn’t give Jesus a choice, and so he steps more fully into his role as Messiah.  His mother was the tool that God used to motivate him to do so; her love for him is what helped him take that step.

In the same way, we need to be actively involved in our kid’s lives—and indeed in each other’s lives as well.  We need to encourage them to be in Sunday school or youth group, to go on mission trips and be engaged in service projects.   This is a big part of how we teach our kids, and encourage one another, to care.

Second, as those who are actively involved in fanning the flames of love, we need to be every bit as diligent in teaching our kids values as we are about teaching them how to read and write.  And the number one place in our society where values are explicitly taught is still the church.

Values do need to be explicitly and intentionally taught.   Consider how we foster the values that combat racism and prejudice, for instance.  The common thinking is that we shouldn’t talk about race because we don’t want to call attention to it.   If we don’t call attention to it, our kids will not notice it, and that’s how we create a world where people are judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

The only problem is, it doesn’t work that way.  From the very start, the human mind is hard wired to organize the world around us by creating categories.  Those categories lead towards something called “in group bias”, which simply means we have a tendency to form our closest relationships with people most like ourselves.  Personally, I think in group bias is one of the greatest causes of pain and suffering the world has ever known; one of the most virulent ways evil gains access to us.

As one example of how strong this bias is, let me share a story with you of my older daughter’s experience in third grade at a private school.  Everyone had to wear uniforms there, on the theory that this would promote equality amongst the students.   The only problem was that the girls then went into the bathroom and compared the labels on their underwear.    The girls who wore designer underwear were in; those who didn’t weren’t.    

That’s how strong the need is for children to be able to break the world down into visible groups that they can understand and manage.   And in some recent ground breaking studies in both neuroscience and developmental psychology, it has been demonstrated that skin color is one of the most obvious ways for children to begin to do this.  

So if in group bias is our natural inclination, the only way to combat it is to address it head on.  It is to talk explicitly and regularly about race and other things that divide us or give us an excuse to discount or write others off.  It is to actively work to help our kids--and one another-- form categories where everyone is shown love and respect. 

And that means talking with our family about what our kids already know:  we are all created different. From there we can talk about how some people have used those differences to treat others badly, and that we think that is absolutely, positively, wrong!   The world torn apart by race or gender or class, by who’s in and who’s not, is  the world that Jesus came to bring to an end.  And we need to do all in our power and then some to help him to do just that.

Or when we think about how to respond to the tragedy in Haiti, maybe it should be more than typing a simple code in our cell phone that will automatically make a contribution to a relief organization on your behalf.   Maybe every bit as important as doing that is talking with our kids about how we have come to live in a world where some countries are so poor that they can’t afford building codes or proper housing for many of their citizens, about how that breaks God’s heart even as it break yours, and how we can begin to do something  about the bigger picture of the kind of world we live in.

Third is to consider that the number one way we encourage our kids and one another to care is by caring ourselves.  Example is a far more potent teacher than mere words.  If our lives predominantly revolve around our interests and concerns, then no matter what we say, it is likely our kids’ lives will predominantly revolve around their interests and concerns as well.  If we are not interested in becoming more compassionate, regularly placing ourselves in situations like being here or at WatCh where we learn how to do so, we can’t expect  our kids to be interested in becoming more compassionate or concerned for others either. 

So as we’ve seen, every one of us really does have a bucket of water and a can of gas.  We make choices every day that either affirm and strengthen love, compassion, goodness and health in the world, or perpetuate hate and violence and evil and sadness and sorrow.   They cause our families, and our church family, to either burn brighter, bigger, and hotter with love for God, one another, and our world, or the put those flames out and hold us back from being the people God calls us to be.

What will our choice be?

Amen.